It all started with me waking up at 4am on the couch. Dammit, I fell asleep in the non-a/c room, and now I'm sweating when the moon is out. New England? Alabama? Where am I? Great...boobs are huge. I forgot to pump before drifting into dreams full of me in a size 6. Perfect. 
Change scene to minutes later falling asleep sitting up in the glider, pump cups in hand sucking away. I'm amazed we didn't have a bp milk spill. I guess I'm just that talented now, I can pump with my eyes closed and brain shut down. Trust me, you don't want to see a picture of this part.
Thank God Troy took the 6am shift, or I'm pretty sure we would have had a clip from Mommy Dearest all up in this joint. I get up later with the attitude that I'm going to tackle my 100 things to do list today - yet I am just glued to the recliner as she won't stop nursing. As soon as I hesitantly lay her down after a feeding, she yells "Psych!" by waking up and demanding more. I'm bored on feeding #3 and start aimlessly looking around the room. Found #101 to do - take care of these shrek toes and get a pedicure!!!
But wait - my clothes are still in the suitcase from our vacation ending a week ago, I need to eat breakfast since it's 11am, Lyla's clean clothes are scattered all over the once prestinely decorated nursery, What is that smell coming from her room???, the house needs a desperate deep clean from being away for 2 weeks, guys are coming over this afternoon to replace the carpet on the stairs, Am I ever going to make it to the gym?, need to schedule a pre-surgery cardio appointment for her, flights to be booked, company coming into town this week....AHHHHHHHHHHH. Poor Troy, he ended up being the target. 
Some call it postpartum depression. I call it being a new mom and getting your world turned upside down. The preconceived notion that being a stay-at-home mom is the easy way out is haunting me. I can't believe I ever thought this. Talk about a bad judgement call, just like thinking I would actually use my gym membership after she was born. It's the hardest job I've ever had. Don't get me wrong, I love doing it. And the salary that she rewards me with is way better than any 6-figure income. But sometimes mama needs a break from this 7 days a week job. What am I going to do?
Pedicure.
There's no need to be SuperMann here. Characters like that are fictional for a reason. I learned to listen to my cues and just take a break. Sometimes you just need to drop it all and go read gossip magazines while someone rubs tension-melting hot stones from the arches of your feet to the insides of your calves. Sometimes you just need to hop into the car and jam out to some Put A Ring On It without your baby's sensitive ears in the car. Sometimes you just need to stare at your freshly bright painted matching nails and toes to make you feel 1000% better about your image. I came back reenergized and ready to tackle it all. Then she wanted to eat more...so I only got to #2 on the list.
Point being, we're never going to be satisfied with our meaningless pending to-do's. There's way better things outside of your house walls to go expereince rather than fighting that damn neverending list. Things like piling laundry and 3-day old voicemails can wait. Instead I'm going to go enjoy a walk along the water and later on take pride in making the little one laugh for the first time.
Go ahead and do the same - shut off your rambling mind and go enjoy a summer sherbert sunset!
I used to get a massage once a month. Marcus would come home on time and I would go get a massage... singing loudly on the way there, and drive the long way home. Sebastian wouldn't have a bath that night, but he got plenty of Daddy time and Mommy got a little recharge. Plus, it helped my hips (pregnancy was murder to them!). Take care of yourself Super Mann... 'cause you still are!
ReplyDelete-Kendra
There isn't a harder job, I agree... but this is by far, THE most rewarding... you are doing a fabulous job!
ReplyDeleteDEFINALTLY the hardest job in the world... there really are no breaks. somedays i day dream about being at work which is becoming a distant memory. First time mom, second time mom, i dont care how many kids you have days like these will happen. I get so frustrated sometimes because I just want a moment to myself and clear my head and there just doesnt seem to be time. its espeically hard with husbands who work long hours as you know when troy is away. you're doing great though. and yay she laughed. nice sun set picture too :)
ReplyDeleteOK- I haven't read your blog in a while but just decided to today. All I have to say is...YOU'RE AWESOME! Love the comment about not using the "r" word- so glad you posted that. I HATE when people use it as an advocate of my students. And, the comment about the smile-precious. I must say, prepare yourself now-she might say "dadda" first too. And, as far as the 'to do list'- you're right, you have much more sweet things to do.
ReplyDeleteWell, I continued reading once my baby went to bed all the way to "We're Home". First of all, I want to pick up that little baby of yours and snuggle her. She is so DARN CUTE! Second, you're hysterical. Third, you describe motherhood oh so well. And fourth, I LOVE nursing too. My daughter turned 15 months old yesterday and yesterday was the first day she hadn't nursed at some point during the day. However, she sneaked one in today. It's hard for her to give up-but harder for me I think.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how you function on such little sleep. But don't stop your 1:30 a.m. writing sessions-you have a lot to say and it's wonderful to read.
You're amazing, I love reading what you have to say! I cry everytime I read your words. It hits home and it makes you realize you aren't the only one. The only one to feel all of those insane and wonderful emotions all at one time!
ReplyDeleteSarina